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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife

Eminem, aka Marshal Mathers, remarried his ex-wife Kim, about whom he had written a song involving her murder and dismemberment. What do you think?
  • "Rejoice! The poet doth rediscover his muse!"

    Diego Lasterna Sheriff's Deputy
  • "In my song, I told my wife to die. Okay, it wasn't strictly a 'song.'"

    Marc Tracy Usher
  • "I look forward to the return of Slim Shady's married rage. His 'bachelor' rhymes about microwave burritos and going to the laundromat were getting pretty stale."

    Amanda Harding Publisher

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