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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife

Eminem, aka Marshal Mathers, remarried his ex-wife Kim, about whom he had written a song involving her murder and dismemberment. What do you think?
  • "Rejoice! The poet doth rediscover his muse!"

    Diego Lasterna Sheriff's Deputy
  • "In my song, I told my wife to die. Okay, it wasn't strictly a 'song.'"

    Marc Tracy Usher
  • "I look forward to the return of Slim Shady's married rage. His 'bachelor' rhymes about microwave burritos and going to the laundromat were getting pretty stale."

    Amanda Harding Publisher

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