adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

End Of The Boom?

Shaken by currency crises in Russia and the Far East, the stock market has plunged more than 1,600 points in the past two months. What do you think about the possibility of a long-term economic slump?
  • "The other traders and I are quite upset. If this keeps up, we may be forced to participate in BMW's humiliating two-year-lease program in lieu of outright ownership."

    Daniel Barkum Trader
  • "Over the past few years, I've been preparing for hard times. And if things get better again, I'll have a few extra jars of urine for my retirement."

    Stephen Youmans Groundskeeper
  • "I sure hope the boom is over. It's hard to recruit people into a doomsday cult when things are going well."

    Frank Gehry Cult Leader
  • "I should make it through this slump just fine, because I have no investments or savings to lose."

    Dana Iselin Waitress
  • "I'd hate to have to return to the days of the late-'80s recession, when I was forced to give a moment of thought before frivolously consuming."

    Lucinda Russell Systems Analyst
  • "The economic boom is over? Shit, I missed another one."

    Roy Caulkins Cashier

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close