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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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End Of The Gingrich Era

On Nov. 6, days after the elections that reduced the Republicans' House lead to just six seats, Newt Gingrich stepped down as Speaker of the House. What do you think about the end of the Gingrich Era on Capitol Hill?
  • "It sure won't be easy finding another mean, privileged, middle-aged white man to take Newt's place."

    Tim Kolloway Graphic Designer
  • "It's sad, but he did the right thing by resigning. He had oral sex with the president, and the only honorable thing was to step down with dignity."

    Diane Astroth Cashier
  • "America will not soon forget the bold challenge Gingrich issued in 1994, when he said, in promos for the new fall CBS line-up, "Okay, Murphy Brown... bring it on."

    Jill Valo Attorney
  • "I know he was a crypto-fascist reactionary, but, doggone it, I'm gonna miss the lovable lunk."

    Robby Byrd Systems Analyst
  • "I hope they at least let Newt keep his beloved silver Speaker of the House helmet."

    Jeff Coleman Truck Driver
  • "I used to worry about Newt. Then I started worrying about the fact that the sun stopped producing neutrinos in the early '80s, indicating that its internal fusion process had stopped. But that was too scary, so now I worry about fashion."

    Gregory Shantz Telemarketer

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