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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Erectile Dysfunction Linked To Heart Disease Fatality

German researchers have found that erectile dysfunction is a strong indicator that a man will die from heart disease. What do you think?
  • "Are those men really dying from heart disease, or from the sheer humiliation of being terrible at sex?"

    Jamie Pierce Systems Analyst
  • "Gee, it just doesn't seem like being impotent is worth the trouble."

    Bob Dotson Flame Gouger
  • "Why are you telling me this? What have you heard?"

    Alex Powers Incubator Helper

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