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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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‘E.T.’ Video Game Cartridges Unearthed In New Mexico Landfill

A documentary film crew digging in a New Mexico landfill discovered hundreds of discarded cartridges of the 1983 Atari game E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, which the company allegedly dumped in an unknown location when the game proved a commercial failure. What do you think?

  • “This discovery will no doubt bring closure to some very strange and lonely people.”

    Phoebe Deagle Train Switch Operator
  • “Who awakens this ancient evil?”

    Donald Moore Eyeglass Fitter
  • “I have to remember that as long as you unearth a huge supply of old video games, no one will ask why you were digging in a dump.”

    John Burgess Unemployed
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