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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘E.T.’ Video Game Cartridges Unearthed In New Mexico Landfill

A documentary film crew digging in a New Mexico landfill discovered hundreds of discarded cartridges of the 1983 Atari game E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, which the company allegedly dumped in an unknown location when the game proved a commercial failure. What do you think?

  • “This discovery will no doubt bring closure to some very strange and lonely people.”

    Phoebe Deagle Train Switch Operator
  • “Who awakens this ancient evil?”

    Donald Moore Eyeglass Fitter
  • “I have to remember that as long as you unearth a huge supply of old video games, no one will ask why you were digging in a dump.”

    John Burgess Unemployed

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