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Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

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International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

A number of America's top European allies, including France and Germany, strongly oppose any potential U.S. military action against Iraq. What do you think?
  • "What? The rest of the world disapproves of America's militarism? Jesus, man, don't they know they can get bombed for that?"

    Christopher <br>Massey Systems <br>Analyst
  • "Whatever will we do without the backing of the Spanish Armada?"

    Lisa Hatcher Graduate <br>Student
  • "C'mon, one shot at ousting Saddam every 10 years is only fair."

    Bob Olsen Roofer
  • "It's not like we're asking our European allies to pitch in; we just want them to stand idly by and watch."

    Michael <br>Rossum Lawyer
  • "Fuck Europe. I hate those sniffy little watered-down wimps. So what if they're absolutely right? Fuckin' horse-eaters."

    Rick Edgerton Cab Driver
  • "It's good to see that after more than 50 years, America's shrewd piss-off-the-world strategy is finally starting to pay off."

    Michelle Glover Dietitian

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