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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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European Union Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Still suffering from an economic crisis that has stirred social unrest and threatened to tear apart the eurozone, the 27-state European Union received this year’s Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of its contributions to democracy, peace, and human rights. What do you think?

  • “Congrats to Europe on their almost two decades without ethnic cleansings.”

    Phoebe Willenson Bead Stringer
  • “Yeah. Fuck you, Switzerland!”

    Rik Radclyffe Systems Analyst
  • “Better luck next time, actual people who did actual things.”

    Clark Adamsick Justice of the Peace

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