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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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European Union Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Still suffering from an economic crisis that has stirred social unrest and threatened to tear apart the eurozone, the 27-state European Union received this year’s Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of its contributions to democracy, peace, and human rights. What do you think?

  • “Congrats to Europe on their almost two decades without ethnic cleansings.”

    Phoebe Willenson Bead Stringer
  • “Yeah. Fuck you, Switzerland!”

    Rik Radclyffe Systems Analyst
  • “Better luck next time, actual people who did actual things.”

    Clark Adamsick Justice of the Peace

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