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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Evangelical Pastor Under Fire

After admitting that he received sexual favors and meth from a male prostitute, President of the National Association of Evangelicals Ted Haggard resigned his post and was dismissed from his church. What do you think?
  • “Maybe if his wife were a man who provided him with crystal meth, this poor guy wouldn't have had to go searching for other ways to satisfy his urges.”

    Darren Kroll Elevator Repairman
  • “You see, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when drug dealers get involved with religion.”

    Carl Lapis Floor Refinisher
  • “Show me in the Bible where it says ‘thou shall not engage in sinful sexual acts with another man,’ and that ‘that same man should also not be trafficking drugs to you’ all in the same sentence.”

    Jennifer Derringer Hotel Maid
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