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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Everclear Faces Iowa Ban

Following a hazing incident in which a freshman was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol content of 0.5 percent, Iowa is considering banning the high-proof neutral grain spirit known as Everclear. What do you think?
  • "But high-proof vodkas are often essential for freshmen whose gulping muscles aren't fully developed."

    Damon Woods Loader
  • "Everclear overconsumption is certainly a major problem at colleges, but such a ban would be entirely unfair to those of us Iowans who responsibly enjoy a glass of jungle juice with our meals each evening."

    Jessie Coles Job Order Clerk
  • "That's why freshmen aren't invited to my parties."

    Irvng Hunter Rubber Mill Operator
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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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