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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Everclear Faces Iowa Ban

Following a hazing incident in which a freshman was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol content of 0.5 percent, Iowa is considering banning the high-proof neutral grain spirit known as Everclear. What do you think?
  • "But high-proof vodkas are often essential for freshmen whose gulping muscles aren't fully developed."

    Damon Woods Loader
  • "Everclear overconsumption is certainly a major problem at colleges, but such a ban would be entirely unfair to those of us Iowans who responsibly enjoy a glass of jungle juice with our meals each evening."

    Jessie Coles Job Order Clerk
  • "That's why freshmen aren't invited to my parties."

    Irvng Hunter Rubber Mill Operator

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