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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?
  • "What? You've got to be kidding me! Kansas has schools?"

    William J. Rubin Robotics Technician
  • "I don't want my kids learning none of that 'devilution' or about, um, the... 'sin bang.' Give me a minute. I can do better."

    Annie Kaplan Real Estate Agent
  • "Evolution? I know it's true from personal experience. I used to be a butterfly."

    Julia Snyder-Barnes Typesetter
  • "Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers."

    Marty LaFarge Flooring Installer
  • "As a Kansan, I just ask myself, 'WWJD?' I figure he'd want to wear white button-up shirts, drink beer, cheer the Jayhawks, and set education in this state back about 100 years."

    Stan Crouse Appliance Repairer
  • "I choose to believe in the unambiguous facts yielded by astronomy, geology, paleontology, history and common sense. Forgive me,
    Jesus."

    Paul Bromfield Systems Analyst

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