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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?
  • "What? You've got to be kidding me! Kansas has schools?"

    William J. Rubin Robotics Technician
  • "I don't want my kids learning none of that 'devilution' or about, um, the... 'sin bang.' Give me a minute. I can do better."

    Annie Kaplan Real Estate Agent
  • "Evolution? I know it's true from personal experience. I used to be a butterfly."

    Julia Snyder-Barnes Typesetter
  • "Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers."

    Marty LaFarge Flooring Installer
  • "As a Kansan, I just ask myself, 'WWJD?' I figure he'd want to wear white button-up shirts, drink beer, cheer the Jayhawks, and set education in this state back about 100 years."

    Stan Crouse Appliance Repairer
  • "I choose to believe in the unambiguous facts yielded by astronomy, geology, paleontology, history and common sense. Forgive me,
    Jesus."

    Paul Bromfield Systems Analyst

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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