Evolution In Our Schools

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?
  • "What? You've got to be kidding me! Kansas has schools?"

    William J. Rubin
    Robotics Technician
  • "I don't want my kids learning none of that 'devilution' or about, um, the... 'sin bang.' Give me a minute. I can do better."

    Annie Kaplan
    Real Estate Agent
  • "Evolution? I know it's true from personal experience. I used to be a butterfly."

    Julia Snyder-Barnes
  • "Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers."

    Marty LaFarge
    Flooring Installer
  • "As a Kansan, I just ask myself, 'WWJD?' I figure he'd want to wear white button-up shirts, drink beer, cheer the Jayhawks, and set education in this state back about 100 years."

    Stan Crouse
    Appliance Repairer
  • "I choose to believe in the unambiguous facts yielded by astronomy, geology, paleontology, history and common sense. Forgive me,

    Paul Bromfield
    Systems Analyst