Evolution In Our Schools

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Vol 35 Issue 30

Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne Vaughn recalled his numerous neighbors as "quiet and unsuspecting." "The Blaines were nice people who pretty much kept to themselves," Vaughn said of Michael and Meredith Blaine, a young couple who lived across the street from the serial killer until their deaths on Oct. 9, 1998. "They always seemed very cordial and extremely trusting." Vaughn also fondly remembered the neighborly spirit of the Baggios of Juniper Street. "I paid their kid to mow my lawn once," he said, "and after that it was as if we were old friends." Vaughn also praised his postman as extremely polite and helpful, noting, "He'd come right into your basement if you said you needed help reaching something."

Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent Street Playhouse, which had been fighting to raise awareness of itself throughout virtually all of its 14th year of existence. "We did all we could," said councilman Willard Hogue. "But by the end, that poor theater was just a shell of its former self. It's never easy to look into the eyes of a repertory company and tell it the end is near, but when that moment came, even the cast of True West admitted it was sort of a relief."

Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely asking for everything he got." "That guy was harassing that bird," farm visitor Brenda Arons said. "He should've thought about what he was getting himself into." Padgett co-worker Jim Twilley agreed, saying, "Gertie has put up with a lot from Steve since he started working here. I say it's about time he got what was coming to him." Padgett is hospitalized and in stable condition after sustaining numerous injuries, including severe cranial trauma and four broken ribs, in the flightless creature's assault.

Presence Of Three Round Objects Triggers Juggling Reflex In Local Man

ST. JOSEPH, MO—The juggling reflex of area resident Joel Brodhagen was triggered Tuesday, when a lemon, potato and spherical votive candle all appeared in his range of vision. "Hey, check it out, Henry!" the 33-year-old juggling enthusiast exclaimed to uninterested friend Henry Graves as he kept the objects airborne for nearly three minutes. "Whoa, almost lost it there!" Other objects recently juggled reflexively by Brodhagen include an apple, a Koosh ball and a souvenir snow globe from Niagara Falls.
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Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?
  • "What? You've got to be kidding me! Kansas has schools?"

    William J. Rubin
    Robotics Technician
  • "I don't want my kids learning none of that 'devilution' or about, um, the... 'sin bang.' Give me a minute. I can do better."

    Annie Kaplan
    Real Estate Agent
  • "Evolution? I know it's true from personal experience. I used to be a butterfly."

    Julia Snyder-Barnes
    Typesetter
  • "Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers."

    Marty LaFarge
    Flooring Installer
  • "As a Kansan, I just ask myself, 'WWJD?' I figure he'd want to wear white button-up shirts, drink beer, cheer the Jayhawks, and set education in this state back about 100 years."

    Stan Crouse
    Appliance Repairer
  • "I choose to believe in the unambiguous facts yielded by astronomy, geology, paleontology, history and common sense. Forgive me,
    Jesus."

    Paul Bromfield
    Systems Analyst
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