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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Ex-DHS Chief Asserts Terror Alerts Gamed Election

In his new book, former head of the Department of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says that the Bush administration pressured him to raise the terror alert level in order to influence the 2004 election. What do you think?
  • "Hopefully our new administration can restore the color alert system to its objective and useful form."

    Bart Zuniga Systems Analyst
  • "Yes, but if we had had a low terror alert level, then no one would have voted at all, because everyone would have been at the park."

    Michelle Twiller Bank Teller
  • "Well, it backfired for me. I was so panicked I ended up in a mental institution and didn’t vote. In your face, Bush administration!"

    Warren Oldman Security Guard

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