adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower

A Northwestern University study found that for every point gained on a scale of obesity, older women lost mental skills. What do you think?

  • "I thought there was a correlation. It's amazing how many dumb fucks are also dumb, fat fucks."

    Victor Del Guidice Crisis Counselor
  • "I don't know—my grandma's a little hefty, but you should hear her go through multiplication tables."

    Mary Beke Bartender
  • "My wife is just as thin and as dumb as she was the day I met her."

    George Malone Building Superintendant

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close