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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower

A Northwestern University study found that for every point gained on a scale of obesity, older women lost mental skills. What do you think?

  • "I thought there was a correlation. It's amazing how many dumb fucks are also dumb, fat fucks."

    Victor Del Guidice Crisis Counselor
  • "I don't know—my grandma's a little hefty, but you should hear her go through multiplication tables."

    Mary Beke Bartender
  • "My wife is just as thin and as dumb as she was the day I met her."

    George Malone Building Superintendant

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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