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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Excessive Puns Could Indicate Brain Damage

A recent neurological paper explained the phenomenon of witzelsucht, or joke addiction, wherein patients who have suffered damage to the frontal lobe of the brain spout an excess of puns and off-color jokes. What do you think?

  • “Leave it to the Germans to classify humor as a mental disorder.”

    Sandra Kimich Jam Sweetener
  • “It’s great knowing that those who have suffered brain damage can go on to lead healthy, fulfilling, annoying lives.”

    Logan Sumner Hydration Activist
  • “Yeah, my routine has gotten a lot more hacky since the car crash.”

    Collin Tetzik Systems Analyst

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