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Executing SARS Spreaders in China

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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Executing SARS Spreaders in China

Last week, China threatened to execute individuals who knowingly spread the SARS virus. What do you think?
  • "Finally, they've hit on a workable method of population control."

    Michael Newell Systems Analyst
  • "We should let the World Health Organization do the executing. They never get to do the fun stuff."

    Colleen Matthews Teacher
  • "People with SARS should not be ostracized. Many people with SARS live happy, productive lives for three days before their lungs fall into their underpants."

    Charles Barker File Clerk
  • "We shouldn't be critical. It's an old Chinese custom to shoot people for no good reason."

    Sam Kennert Mechanic
  • "I've always said the Chinese don't know how to handle a crisis. Have you ever seen their fire drills?"

    Martin Reed Investment Banker
  • "SARS has a 90 percent survival rate. That's a higher survival rate than the one for just living in China."

    Angie Pulliam Florist

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