Executing The Mentally Retarded

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Vol 38 Issue 25

Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint

CLEVELAND— Sherwin-Williams officials announced Monday that the company is nearing the midpoint of its 112-year project to cover the Earth in a coat of bright red paint. "We're proud to announce that the entire Northern Hemisphere should be slathered 10 feet deep in candy-apple red Latex Semi-Gloss by year's end," Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher Connor said. "And we are fully confident that the rest of the globe can be completed well before the giant space bucket runs out of paint." For the more difficult second-phase painting of the Earth's underside, workmen equipped with spray hoses will be suspended by cables from the equator.

Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game

DOWNERS GROVE, IL— With hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Ted Cleamons, 36, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Andy to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on, kiddo, it shouldn't be too much longer," Ted told a bleary-eyed Andy at 11:15 p.m., just past the game's three-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles."

Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines

CORVALLIS, OR— Becky Van Gelder, an 11-year-old white girl from Corvallis, was abducted from her home Monday, bumping 10-year-old Chicago black girl Tyesha Washington from the nation's newspaper headlines. "When a child is harmed, we all lose a small piece of our collective innocence," said USA Today managing editor Donna McCutcheon, who moved the Washington abduction to page 23A to make room for Van Gelder on the cover. "Especially when it's a young blonde girl like Becky."

Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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Executing The Mentally Retarded

The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?
  • "My God. Now there's no holding back that group home down the street."

    Todd Pollack
    Lawyer
  • "That's too bad, because they're a whole lot easier to catch than regular murderers."

    Elaine Ruffin
    Student
  • "Whew. I'm glad I got a few in just under the wire."

    Reginald Deshaies
    Systems Analyst
  • "The cook who prepares the last meals at our prison is already seeing a drop-off in requests for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

    Joey Schor
    Prison Guard
  • "Yaaaaay! I'm not gonna be electricuded! Yaaaaay!"

    Bobby Aldrete
    Felon
  • "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be measured by the way it treats its 'tards."

    Diane Magadan
    Dietitian
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