Experts: Jellyfish Taking Over World’s Oceans

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Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Experts: Jellyfish Taking Over World’s Oceans

Jellyfish populations have boomed across the world in recent years, a phenomenon experts say is likely caused by warming water temperatures and overfishing of jellyfish predators and competitors for food sources. What do you think?

  • “Land is better anyway.”

    Llewellyn Worley
    Flatware Maker
  • “It was foolish of us to think we ever had a chance against the jellyfish.”

    Diana Webb
    Peanut Roaster
  • “I’ll take one if that’ll help.”

    Nick Vashiell
    Ice Crusher
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