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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Explosion Seen On Jupiter

Earlier this week, two amateur astronomers witnessed and captured video of what appeared to be a 100-mile-wide fireball in the atmosphere of Jupiter, a phenomenon they believe was likely the result of a major meteor or comet impact. What do you think?

  • “This just goes to show: If you stare at Jupiter long enough, something might happen.”

    Phil Horvath Hay Sorter
  • “Aw, other people saw that too? There goes my wish.”

    Lynn Dacascos Nuclear Engineer
  • “I’m sorry. I’m way too stressed to think about Jupiter today. That planet is huge.”

    Stan Rhodes Mayonnaise Mixer

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