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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Extinct Lizard Named After Jim Morrison

The largest plant-eating lizard ever discovered, a 6-foot, 60-pound species that lived between 36 and 40 million years ago, has been named Barbaturex morrisoni in honor of the late Doors frontman Jim Morrison, who referred to himself as “The Lizard King.” What do you think?

  • “Getting extinct species named after them is what The Doors were all about.”

    Bob Jarchow Ordnance Engineer
  • “By 38 million years ago, everyone could already see it was destroying itself.”

    Shirley Trainor Sandblaster
  • “John Densmore, snubbed again.”

    Stuart Blasucci Lawnmower Mechanic
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