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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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'Extreme Couponing' Craze Increases Newspaper Theft

A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?

  • "You shouldn't judge until you've experienced the high that comes with saving 50 cents on a box of Hamburger Helper."

    Stuart Jackson Foam Charger
  • "I'll keep an eye out for anyone who seems to be buying more than their share of mayonnaise and Dr. Scholl’s Corn and Bunion Pads."

    Sarah McCrimmon Accelerator Operator
  • “I cut out the middleman and just steal the groceries I want.”

    Mitch Waterfield Systems Analyst
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