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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Extremist Groups Flourish In Northwest U.S.

As the economy continues to falter, militias and hate groups are on the rise in the American Northwest. What do you think?

  • "I know the tough economy makes such views more appealing, but it can be just as rewarding to be in a hate group in boom times."

    Damon Rushkoff Systems Analyst
  • "I see, and these hate groups, how much do they pay?"

    Umi McDowell Unemployed
  • "With scenic backdrops like Glacier National Park, it definitely sounds like a beautiful place to go and hate people."

    Rich Ball Town Clerk

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