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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

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Eyes Wide Cut

In order to receive an 'R' rating from the MPAA, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut was digitally altered, with human figures added to obscure scenes of explicit sexuality. What do you think about what many film critics are condemning as censorship?
  • "I'm glad Kubrick was forced to alter Eyes Wide Shut. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to go with my daddy."

    Jessica Dybzinski 9-Year-Old
  • "This kind of censorship has gotten way out of hand. I was watching Spice on pay-per-view the other night, and they didn't even include the penetration shots."

    Patrick <br>Tidrow Bus Driver
  • "I would have preferred to see the NC-17 version, because I really get off on graphic depictions of alienation, paranoia and betrayal."

    George Fisk Systems Analyst
  • "Stanley Kubrick? Didn't he direct Sammy The Way Out Seal? Oh, no, I'm thinking of Norman Tokar."

    Diane Nyman Librarian
  • "I hear the original version has even more explicit footage showcasing the bare breasts of Sydney Pollack."

    Gene Stegman Civil Engineer
  • "If depraved filth is what you want to see, rent one of those porno tapes. But if you want to see a towering, final artistic statement by a major director, then could I have the porno tape?"

    Bob <br>Paciorek Roofer

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