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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Facebook Adds Restrictions To Curb Illegal Gun Sales

Responding to criticism that it’s not doing enough to prevent people from illegally buying and selling guns through the site, Facebook has announced that it will actively delete posts trying to circumvent gun laws and educate violators about gun retail. What do you think?

  • “Great. Now I’m restricted to buying guns at any hundreds of other websites, gun shows, and gun stores.”

    Ellen Foley Breakfast Server
  • “I’ve got three Crimson Trace SW J revolvers—$299.99 each. Find me if you’re interested.”

    J.J. Prewitt Program Organizer
  • “I just hope they haven’t forgotten about all those awful breastfeeding photos.”

    David Levine Fitness Club Supervisor

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