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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Facebook Announces "Anonymous Log-In" For Apps

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this week that in an effort to grant users more privacy, the social network plans to offer an "anonymous log-in" option for apps, which allows users to try out third-party apps without giving over access to personal information in their Facebook accounts. What do you think?

  • “I don’t feel comfortable with other apps invading the privacy I already surrendered to Facebook.”

    Kenneth Fountaine Public Works Inspector
  • "Will there be a way to send my personal information directly to the app's advertisers? I don't want to miss out on a personalized experience."

    Zack Anderson Unemployed
  • "I love how Mark Zuckerberg is always thinking about us.”

    Julie Welker Soloist

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