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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Facebook Announces "Anonymous Log-In" For Apps

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this week that in an effort to grant users more privacy, the social network plans to offer an "anonymous log-in" option for apps, which allows users to try out third-party apps without giving over access to personal information in their Facebook accounts. What do you think?

  • “I don’t feel comfortable with other apps invading the privacy I already surrendered to Facebook.”

    Kenneth Fountaine Public Works Inspector
  • "Will there be a way to send my personal information directly to the app's advertisers? I don't want to miss out on a personalized experience."

    Zack Anderson Unemployed
  • "I love how Mark Zuckerberg is always thinking about us.”

    Julie Welker Soloist
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