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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Facebook, Apple Paying For Female Employees To Freeze Eggs

Facebook and Apple have announced that they will begin subsidizing egg-freezing procedures for female employees, allowing them to pursue their careers and have children later in life. What do you think?

  • “I’ll be proud to show my children the browser plug-in that’s the reason they’re 9 and not 14.”

    Candace Johnson Programmer
  • “What about the women who want to have kids now? Do they at least get offered a decent severance package?”

    Bob Ainsley Art Appraiser
  • “Wow—I guess women who happen to work for one of these two companies really can have it all.”

    Henry Gardner Sugar Industry Lobbyist

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