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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Facebook, Apple Paying For Female Employees To Freeze Eggs

Facebook and Apple have announced that they will begin subsidizing egg-freezing procedures for female employees, allowing them to pursue their careers and have children later in life. What do you think?

  • “I’ll be proud to show my children the browser plug-in that’s the reason they’re 9 and not 14.”

    Candace Johnson Programmer
  • “What about the women who want to have kids now? Do they at least get offered a decent severance package?”

    Bob Ainsley Art Appraiser
  • “Wow—I guess women who happen to work for one of these two companies really can have it all.”

    Henry Gardner Sugar Industry Lobbyist

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