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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Facebook ‘Ask’ Feature Lets Friends Inquire About Relationships

Facebook has begun rolling out a new profile feature in which an “Ask” button is displayed beside items in a user’s “About” page, including the “Relationship Status” section, so that users can directly ask if their friends have a significant other. What do you think?

  • “You’re not supposed to ask for that kind of information; you’re supposed to deduce it by browsing through hundreds of someone’s personal photos and wall posts.”

    Lena Macdonald Summer Camp Counselor
  • “Can I still ask my friends about stuff in person, or do I have to use Facebook for everything now?”

    Daniel Chouler Carpet Cleaner
  • “This is ridiculous. If people want to know my relationship status, they can just ask me. Or email or text. Or this button thing you’re talking about.”

    Luke Bailey Pastry Chef

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