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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Facebook Bans Sale Of ISIS Clothing

Facebook has announced it is removing pages that are selling merchandise bearing the brand of militant group Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, including T-shirts with slogans such as “We Are All ISIS” and “Fight for Freedom, Until the Last Drop of Blood.” What do you think?

  • “Finally, we’re hitting them where it hurts.”

    Casey Morris Youth Sports Referee
  • “I would never buy clothing from a terrorist organization without trying it on first.”

    Maria Hudnall Emergency Medical Technician
  • “It's about time. I’ve been complaining for months that they stole their slogan ‘Fight for Freedom, Until the Last Drop of Blood’ from my intramural kickball team."

    Grant Bemis Systems Analyst
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