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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Facebook Reaches 1 Billion Users

The 8-year-old social networking site Facebook now has 1 billion active monthly users, with roughly one of every seven people in the world holding an account, according to CEO Mark Zuckerberg. What do you think?

  • “I’d be worried about having the personal information of so many people in one system if I didn’t completely trust Facebook’s latest privacy policy.”

    Martin Goris Agricultural Engineer
  • “Things always get more popular once there’s a movie.”

    Donald Hickox Military Recruiter
  • “Are you telling me 6 billion people don’t use Facebook? What am I doing on there? Am I some sort of freak?”

    Ava Westcott Noodle-Press Operator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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