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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company

CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that Facebook has agreed to pay $2 billion for Oculus VR, a small startup company that makes virtual reality headsets, which could possibly allow Facebook users to see their friends in a 3D environment. What do you think?

  • “I was just thinking about how I could get a little more Facebook in my life.”

    Ryan Varnson Public Relations Consultant
  • “Aw, man. I was gonna buy Oculus VR.”

    Chris Middleton Kleenex Box Stuffer
  • “That Mark Zuckerberg really seems to be into technology.”

    Lesley O’Leary Label Peeler

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