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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Facebook To Launch IPO

Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history. What do you think?

  • “They may want to hold off on that—a few of my friends are threatening to leave Facebook over some of its new features.”

    Frieda Luallen Dissolver Operator
  • "Even when Facebook has tons of cash, I bet it'll still ask me to ‘like’ Papa John's goddamn pizza everyday."

    Benson Cartwright Systems Analyst
  • "Jesus. All this and I still can't find the Brandon White I knew in college, class of 2001. Brandon, if you're reading this, what's up?"

    Jake Myrig Cement Loader

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