Facebook To Launch IPO

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

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Facebook To Launch IPO

Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history. What do you think?

  • “They may want to hold off on that—a few of my friends are threatening to leave Facebook over some of its new features.”

    Frieda Luallen
    Dissolver Operator
  • "Even when Facebook has tons of cash, I bet it'll still ask me to ‘like’ Papa John's goddamn pizza everyday."

    Benson Cartwright
    Systems Analyst
  • "Jesus. All this and I still can't find the Brandon White I knew in college, class of 2001. Brandon, if you're reading this, what's up?"

    Jake Myrig
    Cement Loader
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