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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Facebook Use Declining Among Teens

Facebook stock prices tumbled after executives admitted this week that the site’s usage among young teenagers has been declining in recent months, as newer social networks like Snapchat lure away the valuable trendsetting demographic. What do you think?

  • “Well, I’m not using a social network that teens won’t use!”

    Daisy Pfau Compliance Officer
  • “Wherever my son goes to share information online, I’ll be right behind him three to six months later.”

    Neal Carloni Fire Chief
  • “What do teens think of Exxon? I’m thinking of buying some shares.”

    Maurizio Serrano Art Conservator

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