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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Facebook Use Declining Among Teens

Facebook stock prices tumbled after executives admitted this week that the site’s usage among young teenagers has been declining in recent months, as newer social networks like Snapchat lure away the valuable trendsetting demographic. What do you think?

  • “Well, I’m not using a social network that teens won’t use!”

    Daisy Pfau Compliance Officer
  • “Wherever my son goes to share information online, I’ll be right behind him three to six months later.”

    Neal Carloni Fire Chief
  • “What do teens think of Exxon? I’m thinking of buying some shares.”

    Maurizio Serrano Art Conservator

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