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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Facebook Use Declining Among Teens

Facebook stock prices tumbled after executives admitted this week that the site’s usage among young teenagers has been declining in recent months, as newer social networks like Snapchat lure away the valuable trendsetting demographic. What do you think?

  • “Well, I’m not using a social network that teens won’t use!”

    Daisy Pfau Compliance Officer
  • “Wherever my son goes to share information online, I’ll be right behind him three to six months later.”

    Neal Carloni Fire Chief
  • “What do teens think of Exxon? I’m thinking of buying some shares.”

    Maurizio Serrano Art Conservator
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