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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Fahrenheit 9-11

Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What do you think?
  • "Disney is afraid of controversy? But they were the first ones to point out how wrong it is to be an evil witch."

    Pamela Turner Marine Engineer
  • "I used to be a big fan of Michael Moore, until he turned all political."

    Jean Collins Clerk
  • "Moore's prominent presence in the news brings to light some serious questions, such as 'Can't he at least try to look presentable?'"

    Juan Sanchez Interpreter
  • "So Eisner, Moore, and the Weinsteins are involved in the story of Bush and bin Laden? Is anyone decent a part of this at all?"

    Walter Reed Systems Analyst
  • "Disney insists that it wants to remain apolitical, but that doesn't explain its controversial 1971 cartoon, Donald's Laos-y Cambodian Vacation."

    Sammy Campbell Video Editor
  • "Why doesn't Michael Moore ever make documentaries about nice things, like where cotton candy comes from?"

    Keith Scott Statistician
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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