After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Failing Phys Ed Programs

With obesity among children rising steadily, health experts say our school's physical education programs are woefully inadequate. What do you think?
  • "Well, what do people expect? How are today's gym teachers supposed to motivate kids, now that homophobia, verbal harassment, and physical abuse are off limits?"

    Eli McLemore Medical Secretary
  • "The dubious benefits of a mandatory exercise program weighed against the undeniable fattening of America's kids? Sounds like it's time for an in-depth shirts vs. skins debate."

    Russell Sager Laser Technician
  • "There are many reasons that a school should have an extensive Phys Ed program. For one thing, it's the best way to increase kids' interest in reading and math."

    Monty Wendt Systems Analyst
  • "Oh good. It's our nation's schools that are to blame for my 200-pound son. Phew!"

    Freida Stallworth Metallurgist
  • "I don't want my kids missing out on all that gym class offers. That's why I give them cruel nicknames, make them shower together, and snap them with wet towels."

    Damien Shear Wellness Coordinator
  • "You know, sex burns a lot of calories. Teens love sex. I can't see why no one has thought of this before."

    Pamela Gant Convention Planner

After Birth

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