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Failing Phys Ed Programs

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PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

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WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting
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Failing Phys Ed Programs

With obesity among children rising steadily, health experts say our school's physical education programs are woefully inadequate. What do you think?
  • "Well, what do people expect? How are today's gym teachers supposed to motivate kids, now that homophobia, verbal harassment, and physical abuse are off limits?"

    Eli McLemore Medical Secretary
  • "The dubious benefits of a mandatory exercise program weighed against the undeniable fattening of America's kids? Sounds like it's time for an in-depth shirts vs. skins debate."

    Russell Sager Laser Technician
  • "There are many reasons that a school should have an extensive Phys Ed program. For one thing, it's the best way to increase kids' interest in reading and math."

    Monty Wendt Systems Analyst
  • "Oh good. It's our nation's schools that are to blame for my 200-pound son. Phew!"

    Freida Stallworth Metallurgist
  • "I don't want my kids missing out on all that gym class offers. That's why I give them cruel nicknames, make them shower together, and snap them with wet towels."

    Damien Shear Wellness Coordinator
  • "You know, sex burns a lot of calories. Teens love sex. I can't see why no one has thought of this before."

    Pamela Gant Convention Planner

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