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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Fake Degrees In Government

It was reported last week that at least 135 employees of the White House and NSA purchased fake college degrees from the Internet. What do you think?
  • "That was an enormous waste of money. These days, it's not exactly difficult to make your own college degree yourself."

    Geneva Yarrow Systems Analyst
  • "I put much more faith in people who went to established Ivy-League universities and bought their grades the old-fashioned way."

    Peter McGeorge Boom Operator
  • "In the future, employers should ask to see college IDs, which are impossible to fake."

    Sean LeVine Snack Bar Attendant

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