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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Fan Has $100K Of Surgery To Look Like Justin Bieber

Los Angeles resident Toby Sheldon, 33, has spent $100,000 on various cosmetic procedures—including hair transplants, eyelid surgery, a chin reduction, and Botox injections—to make himself look like 19-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber. What do you think?

  • “Good luck reproducing that exotic Canadian look.”

    Terry Hinkley News Anchor
  • “Well, I hope he likes having young girls constantly fawning over him because that’s what he can expect now.”

    Mia Kahn Panelboard Operator
  • “I did the same thing and have no regrets.”

    Robert Ferdinand Nursery Manager

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