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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fan Has $100K Of Surgery To Look Like Justin Bieber

Los Angeles resident Toby Sheldon, 33, has spent $100,000 on various cosmetic procedures—including hair transplants, eyelid surgery, a chin reduction, and Botox injections—to make himself look like 19-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber. What do you think?

  • “Good luck reproducing that exotic Canadian look.”

    Terry Hinkley News Anchor
  • “Well, I hope he likes having young girls constantly fawning over him because that’s what he can expect now.”

    Mia Kahn Panelboard Operator
  • “I did the same thing and have no regrets.”

    Robert Ferdinand Nursery Manager

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