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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus

In a recent study, children who watched SpongeBob SquarePants were less able to complete a problem-solving task than those who instead watched an educational cartoon or spent the time drawing. What do you think?

  • "I know it's not ideal, but if my kid doesn't watch TV, then he might try and hug me."

    Meredity Tulipana Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, jeez. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of children's needs diametrically opposing my favorite afternoon animated programming."

    Wallace Trower Harness Builder
  • "Yeah, but I don't want my son to turn into one of those weird drawing kids."

    Trevor Malinowski Sandblast Operator

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