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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus

In a recent study, children who watched SpongeBob SquarePants were less able to complete a problem-solving task than those who instead watched an educational cartoon or spent the time drawing. What do you think?

  • "I know it's not ideal, but if my kid doesn't watch TV, then he might try and hug me."

    Meredity Tulipana Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, jeez. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of children's needs diametrically opposing my favorite afternoon animated programming."

    Wallace Trower Harness Builder
  • "Yeah, but I don't want my son to turn into one of those weird drawing kids."

    Trevor Malinowski Sandblast Operator
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