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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fatty Foods Trigger Addiction Response

A new study in rats suggests that foods high in fat and calories trigger the same addiction response in the brain that cocaine does. What do you think?

  • "I just read that somewhere, too, but I didn't think it was a scientific study, I thought it was Cathy."

    Marvin Johnson Systems Analyst
  • "Have they ruled out the possibility that the rats were all secretly using cocaine throughout the duration of the study?"

    Cath Shippy Veneer Trimmer
  • "We shouldn’t draw too many conclusions. After all, Scarface just wouldn't have been the same if Al Pacino dropped his head into a pile of burgers on his desk and came up shooting."

    Gary Rittman Machine Boss

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