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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?
  • "The fact that the same exact number of guns and laptops are missing is exactly why the FBI should never have fitted their computers with holsters."

    Wanda Kelley Systems Analyst
  • "It must be humbling for the FBI to know they have worse security than a CompUSA."

    Rodrigo Gutierrez Dance Instructor
  • "Man, I know all about that. I can't tell you how many times I've left my gun or laptop on the back of a toilet tank or in an ATM vestibule."

    Herman Bonello Security Guard

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