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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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FBI Probe Problems

Recent analysis of FBI documents indicates that the bureau has abused its powers of surveillance since Sept. 11th, 2001. What do you think?
  • "When you have all that surveillance equipment at your disposal, it must drive you crazy to see it gathering dust on a shelf."

    Tasha Severson Day-Care Provider
  • "How unlike the FBI to abuse the trust of the American public."

    Alan Trask Systems Analyst
  • "Could I answer this question a little further from this gooseneck lamp and portrait of Reagan?"

    Chet Radavulic Lathe Operator

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