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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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FBI Raids Homes In 'Anonymous' Sweep

The FBI announced Tuesday it had arrested more than a dozen people in Florida, New Jersey, and California allegedly connected with the hacker group Anonymous. What do you think?

  • "Does that mean it’s safe to use 'password' as my password again?"

    Ed Bailey Addresser
  • "Thank goodness. Now maybe hackers will think twice before they disable PayPal and cost honest, hardworking people like me countless eBay sales of our Doctor of Love novelty diplomas."

    Henry Clack Gill-Box Tender
  • "It just goes to show you, the FBI always gets their nerd."

    Jackie Rudd Electronics Technician

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