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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband

Fearing it would interfere with GPS devices, the Federal Communications Commission is revoking the permit of the company LightSquared to build a nationwide wireless broadband network. What do you think?

  • “This is just like the federal government, always sticking its nose in areas it's mandated by law to regulate.”

    Mike Downy Thrill Supplier
  • “Good. I didn’t just spend $172 on a fish finder for it not to work just so some idiot can play Scrabble on his phone.”

    Elizabeth Burke Bartender
  • “A nationwide wireless broadband network is a pretty stupid idea anyway. You just know Cuba would steal our signal.”

    Sarah Palermo Memorial Defacer

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