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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

The Federal Communications Commission is looking into an incident last week in which Bay Area Rapid Transit allegedly shut down mobile phone service in an effort to prevent a protest over the BART police’s second fatal shooting since 2009. What do you think?

  • "I knew something terrible would come out of the police shooting innocent people."

    Denise Foreman Systems Analyst
  • "Damn right they should investigate. That whole thing ruined my chance to win Archers of Loaf tickets."

    Jim Wright Office Copy Selector
  • “If the investigation turns up a white iPhone, is there a number I can call to get it back?”

    Halsey Chesterson Key Cutter

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