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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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FCC Mandates Text-To-911 Emergency Service

The FCC has established a deadline for all cellular providers to offer services that allow users to text messages to 911 emergency dispatchers, which allows those in need to get help when it's too dangerous to talk or when they are unable to speak. What do you think?

  • "Anyone can text, but nothing beats the sincerity of a handwritten letter."

    Candace Weil Fabric Folder
  • "Meanwhile, all my tweets to @911 are going completely ignored."

    Bill Rodriguez Chair Assembler
  • "This is going to lead to a disturbing set of emojis."

    Dan DeGregory Microwave Tester

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