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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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FCC Media Deregulation

The FCC has eased restrictions on same-city ownership of newspapers and TV stations, freeing media conglomerates to create local monopolies. What do you think?
  • "Yeah? Well, if this is such a big problem, why aren't we hearing more about it on the news?"

    Mitch Ahearn Auto Mechanic
  • "I'd be greatly worried, were it not for Clear Channel's proven track record as a passionate and responsible guardian of the values of the Fourth Estate."

    Karen Syms Homemaker
  • "Oh, crap. Now, both my local papers will carry Hagar The Horrible."

    Kris Eccles Cashier
  • "Hold on–does Chomsky know about this? Because, man, oh, man, is he ever gonna hit the roof."

    Ken Pierce Systems Analyst
  • "I'd be concerned about how this will affect the radio airwaves, but, fortunately, I'm a huge Pink fan."

    Mindy Roberts Physical Therapist
  • "Shhh. TV's on."

    Richard Powers Investment Banker
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