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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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FCC Media Deregulation

The FCC has eased restrictions on same-city ownership of newspapers and TV stations, freeing media conglomerates to create local monopolies. What do you think?
  • "Yeah? Well, if this is such a big problem, why aren't we hearing more about it on the news?"

    Mitch Ahearn Auto Mechanic
  • "I'd be greatly worried, were it not for Clear Channel's proven track record as a passionate and responsible guardian of the values of the Fourth Estate."

    Karen Syms Homemaker
  • "Oh, crap. Now, both my local papers will carry Hagar The Horrible."

    Kris Eccles Cashier
  • "Hold on–does Chomsky know about this? Because, man, oh, man, is he ever gonna hit the roof."

    Ken Pierce Systems Analyst
  • "I'd be concerned about how this will affect the radio airwaves, but, fortunately, I'm a huge Pink fan."

    Mindy Roberts Physical Therapist
  • "Shhh. TV's on."

    Richard Powers Investment Banker

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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