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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs

In order to alleviate the shortage of two cancer drugs, Doxil and methotrexate, the FDA has loosened restrictions and will allow the drugs to be imported from India and Australia. What do you think?

  • "But if drugs aren’t allowed to get really expensive, how do we know who deserves to live?"

    Damon Bassini Dressed-Poultry Grader
  • "Well, shit. What am I going to do now with all this bathtub Doxil?"

    Barbara Romão Unemployed
  • “If I wanted to kick my cancer with Australian drugs, I’d have spent the last 30 years killing my liver with Fosters, but I’m a Genesee man and so my tumor is American, goddamnit.”

    Fred Slon Chauffeur

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