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FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs

In order to alleviate the shortage of two cancer drugs, Doxil and methotrexate, the FDA has loosened restrictions and will allow the drugs to be imported from India and Australia. What do you think?

  • "But if drugs aren’t allowed to get really expensive, how do we know who deserves to live?"

    Damon Bassini Dressed-Poultry Grader
  • "Well, shit. What am I going to do now with all this bathtub Doxil?"

    Barbara Romão Unemployed
  • “If I wanted to kick my cancer with Australian drugs, I’d have spent the last 30 years killing my liver with Fosters, but I’m a Genesee man and so my tumor is American, goddamnit.”

    Fred Slon Chauffeur

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