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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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FDA Approves Laser Comb

The HairMax Lasercomb, a comb that purportedly promotes hair growth, was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?
  • "The company is called HairMax, so it's got to work. It doesn't make any sense that it'd be called HairMax if the comb didn't grow maximum hair."

    Jerome Harrison Telephone Installer
  • "My hair growth method still works better than anything out there. Every two weeks I get a blood transfusion from a Greek guy."

    Kelly Tyler Math Teacher
  • "Yet another problem solved by shooting people in the head with lasers."

    Matt Jackson IT Director
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