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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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FDA Approves Laser Comb

The HairMax Lasercomb, a comb that purportedly promotes hair growth, was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?
  • "The company is called HairMax, so it's got to work. It doesn't make any sense that it'd be called HairMax if the comb didn't grow maximum hair."

    Jerome Harrison Telephone Installer
  • "My hair growth method still works better than anything out there. Every two weeks I get a blood transfusion from a Greek guy."

    Kelly Tyler Math Teacher
  • "Yet another problem solved by shooting people in the head with lasers."

    Matt Jackson IT Director

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