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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice

The Food and Drug Administration has chastised Dr. Oz, accusing the TV physician of dispensing misleading and incorrect information when he expressed concerns over arsenic levels in apple juice. What do you think?

  • "Is there really arsenic in apple juice? If so, that's a really good price for arsenic."

    John Mizell Systems Analyst
  • "Some boys will say anything to get out of drinking their juice."

    Brandi Simmons Furnace Cleaner
  • "The only way this can be satisfactorily resolved is to get some other telegenic doctor to proclaim that consuming small amounts of arsenic is fine."

    Howard McDaniels Assembly Room Supervisor

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