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FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice

The Food and Drug Administration has chastised Dr. Oz, accusing the TV physician of dispensing misleading and incorrect information when he expressed concerns over arsenic levels in apple juice. What do you think?

  • "Is there really arsenic in apple juice? If so, that's a really good price for arsenic."

    John Mizell Systems Analyst
  • "Some boys will say anything to get out of drinking their juice."

    Brandi Simmons Furnace Cleaner
  • "The only way this can be satisfactorily resolved is to get some other telegenic doctor to proclaim that consuming small amounts of arsenic is fine."

    Howard McDaniels Assembly Room Supervisor

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