FDA: Food Dye/Hyperactivity Data Inconclusive

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Vol 47 Issue 14

Detroit Pistons JumboTron Not Even Trying Anymore

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Making flippant remarks about the game such as "BASKETBALL GAME HAPPENING NOW" and "WHO REALLY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS?" the Detroit Pistons' JumboTron has reportedly stopped trying to pretend to care abou...

Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move

BRIGHTON, NY—Patrons of the Full Moon Tavern are reporting that oh, God, area man Darrell Barnes is walking right up to that beautiful woman sitting by the window.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.

Guy In Audience Shouts Out Perfect Thing

COLUMBUS, OH—Audience members at Crossroads Cinema were treated to an unexpected delight Friday when someone in the crowd shouted out a hilarious thing at the exact right moment, sources reported.
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FDA: Food Dye/Hyperactivity Data Inconclusive

A Food and Drug Administration panel concluded that a link between hyperactivity and food dyes was not borne out sufficiently by current data. What do you think?

  • "A curiously timed announcement, just weeks before Easter. Just goes to show that the FDA sits firmly in the pocket of Paas."

    Kyle Williams
    Laminator
  • "Then what will make children hyperactive? My son hardly screams and runs around our grocery cart anymore. I miss the attention."

    Louisa Tyson
    Eddy Current Inspector
  • "Bottom line: Can we eat Nite-Glo Fiesta Cheetos, or not?"

    Ray Weeks
    Quarry Worker
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