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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor

The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of an ingestible digital sensor that can be embedded inside a pill and swallowed, allowing doctors to remotely monitor a patient’s heart rate, activity level, and other health indicators. What do you think?

  • “This probably isn’t going to work with me. I puke the second I think I’m swallowing any sort of digital sensor.”

    Jose Maddock Mathematician
  • “I’m pretty open and honest with my doctors, but one thing I don’t want them to know is my heart rate. That’s private.”

    Gary Kazarian Extruder Operator
  • “This is a huge step forward from the magic school buses full of children I had to swallow in the ’90s.”

    Eleanor Hankins Unemployed

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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