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FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor

The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of an ingestible digital sensor that can be embedded inside a pill and swallowed, allowing doctors to remotely monitor a patient’s heart rate, activity level, and other health indicators. What do you think?

  • “This probably isn’t going to work with me. I puke the second I think I’m swallowing any sort of digital sensor.”

    Jose Maddock Mathematician
  • “I’m pretty open and honest with my doctors, but one thing I don’t want them to know is my heart rate. That’s private.”

    Gary Kazarian Extruder Operator
  • “This is a huge step forward from the magic school buses full of children I had to swallow in the ’90s.”

    Eleanor Hankins Unemployed

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