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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor

The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of an ingestible digital sensor that can be embedded inside a pill and swallowed, allowing doctors to remotely monitor a patient’s heart rate, activity level, and other health indicators. What do you think?

  • “This probably isn’t going to work with me. I puke the second I think I’m swallowing any sort of digital sensor.”

    Jose Maddock Mathematician
  • “I’m pretty open and honest with my doctors, but one thing I don’t want them to know is my heart rate. That’s private.”

    Gary Kazarian Extruder Operator
  • “This is a huge step forward from the magic school buses full of children I had to swallow in the ’90s.”

    Eleanor Hankins Unemployed

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