FDA Orders Warning Labels On Tanning Beds

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

FDA Orders Warning Labels On Tanning Beds

The FDA has moved tanning beds from low-risk to a moderate-risk classification and will require the beds to have warning labels stating they should not be used by minors, citing data showing that 2 million teens, including 3 in 10 suburban high school girls, use tanning beds each year. What do you think?

  • “Why not? It worked for cigarettes.”

    Patrick Gilpin
    IT Specialist
  • “If anything’s going to convince a teenager they’re not actually invincible, it’s pointing out a behavior risk considered moderate.”

    Clara Thorne
    Café Manager
  • “Did the study have any other data about what high school girls like?”

    Nick Abbott
    Airport Shuttle Driver