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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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FDA Orders Warning Labels On Tanning Beds

The FDA has moved tanning beds from low-risk to a moderate-risk classification and will require the beds to have warning labels stating they should not be used by minors, citing data showing that 2 million teens, including 3 in 10 suburban high school girls, use tanning beds each year. What do you think?

  • “Why not? It worked for cigarettes.”

    Patrick Gilpin IT Specialist
  • “If anything’s going to convince a teenager they’re not actually invincible, it’s pointing out a behavior risk considered moderate.”

    Clara Thorne Café Manager
  • “Did the study have any other data about what high school girls like?”

    Nick Abbott Airport Shuttle Driver

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