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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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FDA Proposes Altering Nutrition Labels

The FDA is proposing significant changes to nutrition labels on food packaging, such as emphasizing calorie count by visually enlarging that number and recalculating portion sizes to more accurately reflect how much people eat in one serving. What do you think?

  • “Wouldn’t it be easier if they just added an exclamation mark after the number of calories?”

    Julia Gerard Driving Instructor
  • “Ooh, if they change the serving portions from three down to one, that’ll leave extra room for dessert.”

    Michael Barnett Unemployed
  • “Perfect. If I see the calorie count in bigger type, I’ll definitely avoid all the food I can’t stop eating.”

    Gene Yester Script Supervisor

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