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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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FDA Proposes Altering Nutrition Labels

The FDA is proposing significant changes to nutrition labels on food packaging, such as emphasizing calorie count by visually enlarging that number and recalculating portion sizes to more accurately reflect how much people eat in one serving. What do you think?

  • “Wouldn’t it be easier if they just added an exclamation mark after the number of calories?”

    Julia Gerard Driving Instructor
  • “Ooh, if they change the serving portions from three down to one, that’ll leave extra room for dessert.”

    Michael Barnett Unemployed
  • “Perfect. If I see the calorie count in bigger type, I’ll definitely avoid all the food I can’t stop eating.”

    Gene Yester Script Supervisor

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